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Feb 13, 2018

Shalom and peteetong!

Just got back from a weekend in Baltimore to visit with my dad, OldManPickleNose, and his live in gal pal, Squiggy.
It was a great trip, but enough is enough! 
Those two….
Honestly, I cut the trip short by a day because I couldn’t take it anymore. The flu and Those Two. 
I called my Aunt Maddie, with whom I had some loose brunch plans, to deliver the bad news.
“Is everything OK?” she says. 
“Yeah, I just gotta get back.”
And there you have it. Typical Jewish conversation.
“Is everything OK?” Means...
Thank God! Don't feel well. But I feel guilty about it, so I’ll act concerned. 
“Yeah, I just gotta get back.” Means…..
Everyone comes away feeling like they just won the lottery.
I play this other fun game when I’m in Baltimore. I call it The Valley Inn Game. The Valley Inn is a Baltimore County restaurant I’ve never been to, even though it’s been around since 1832. 
The Valley Inn sits right in the middle of where the rich Jews and richer Christians intersect in Baltimore, and all I know about it is through OldManPickleNose’s experience, and OpenTable, which ranks it highly. According to OMPN and his gal pal Squiggy, the owners of the Valley Inn hate Jews. 
Of course they do, as do all rich Christian Democrats dating back to the 1830s should. That's what they do, and let me add I can totally understand it. I'm not crazy about them myself. Besides, the Christians were there first, and The Valley Inn parking lot is always full.
According to the legend, OMPN and Squiggy tried to have a delightful evening at The Valley Inn, but the Jew-haters treated them poorly, and they did not have a good experience at The Valley Inn. 
OldManPickleNose and Squiggy vowed on the graves of their departed spouses, in front of the Jewish god, that they would never do business, not only with the owners of The Valley Inn, but their entire families and associate network, FOREVERMORE! It might even be in OMPN’s will that I must continue not going to The Valley Inn after he passes. TRADITIOOOOON! 
You gotta hand it to OMPN and Squiggy. They are solidly in the #resistance against these modern day Hitlers. Fighting the good fight.
In fact, their defiance has gotten even bolder because when they moved in together, they BOTH wound up living CLOSER to The Valley Inn. Now they have to pass it more than ever whenever they go out, by choice. I think they enjoy driving past The Valley Inn for spite.
So the goal of The Valley Inn Game is to trigger OldManPickleNose and his gal pal Squiggy whenever we drive past The Valley Inn to win comedy gold.
The strategy for scoring this comedy gold is to ask the question in such a way that an 80 year old could plausibly forget you have heard this rant before.
Example: “Hey, I never asked you, dad. How’s the food at that, uh, Valley Inn, is it?”
“It’s really mediocre. But, Larry, I don’t give a shit if these motherfuckers had food they serve at the Ritz-Carlton, these cocksucking anti-semites can go fuck themselves.”
“They try to put EVERYONE out of business. Sleazy assholes, I hope the place catches on fire.”
Fun. But it was enough fun. You never want to have too much of anything, including fun. You want to have enough fun, and so I left. 
I’ll be back. Another time. And we’ll have the brunch and everything will be fine.
And I thank you.