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The Customer is Pawn

Aug 3, 2018

Here’s the situation I just had:

Everytime the fuckin power goes out, which it did the other night after a big storm, after it comes back on, I can’t print anything from my computer.

I don’t know why. I’m technically maladroit. The printer works, the computer works, but the computer can’t see the printer on the network.  All I know is every single fuckin time the power goes out up in here, I can’t print. And I need to print.

It’s 2018, and I’ve got important paperwork I gotta do if I wanna get paid. This shouldn’t be hard.  Even after a power outage. It’s not like Hurricane Harvey blew through.

OK, fine. So I call my internet pimp, Deep State Communications, a division of the CIA. I know the drill. Just get a human on the line, none of this AI robot bullshit, and tell them to remotely reset my internet and I can be on my way printing.

Today was my 5th time doing it in the past 2 years, so I know the ropes and how to get quick action. Still, the whole process to reset the internet and start printing, from phone call to result, takes 20 minutes. 

20 minutes!

Think how much time that is. Should take 3 minutes. LOOK!

Minute 1-call, maybe some on hold music, someone answers

Minute 2-Hey could ya reset my modem?

                Sure let me pull up your account.

Minute 3-It’s fixed.

Maybe even 2 minutes tops for savvy companies. But no. Here’s what occurs:

Minutes 1 through 5-getting a human being on the line.

I usually press the 0 key repeatedly when the A.I. robot picks up until a human being answers, so I cut out about 1/2 hour with this method.  Right to the on hold announcements about your chance to win a trip to Hawaii if you do something I’m not interested in doing and why would I want the company who can barely keep my internet rolling without a hiccup flying me to Hawaii? Work on your internet first before you fly.

Then, 8 times out of 10 I’ll get someone with a tricky accent on a shitty phone connection, and 10 times out of 10 they will use the most words possible to greet you.

“Hi Larry! I’m Mitch and I want to tell you that here today we will be helping you with the best customer service possible in an effort to make you the customer more satisfied.” 

Why does it take so long for them to say HELLO? Shouldn’t it just go without saying that you should be striving to satisfy me the customer? Why do you have to tell me with long wasteful sentences? Stop telling. Start doing!

And then some bullshit about JD Power and Associates before asking about why I’m calling.

Minutes 6 through 18- This is where I just cut to the chase and tell Mitch, not the problem, but the solution. 

“Yeah, I need my modem reset remotely.” 

Mitch tries very hard to follow his Sarbanes-Oxley-Dodd-Frank approved script of the globalist version of customer service, and it takes forever, and goddammit! I need to print before the deadline!!!!

The first time this printer fiasco happened, it took me a day, 10 phone calls to three agencies, and one perfectly good printer in the trash because I was told by one of the globalist expert technicians that it was a bad printer at fault.

Motherfuckers.

So these minutes are spent with Mitch trying gamely to stay on his, “have you checked the printer? and the settings? and the warranty?” shpiel, and me saying, “it’s none of that. Just RESET the modem REMOTELY!” I say it firmly yet sweetly. Mitch is my only hope to print today.

So we go back and forth and then Mitch relents when he figures out that A, I know what I’m talking about and B, the problem will be solved and he can go on lunch break or whatever and C his bosses who are spying on the call for “quality assurance,” whatever that creepy phrase means, won’t yell at him.

That’s like a whole 6 minutes easily. Then to do all the tests and resets takes another 6 minutes, waiting for everything to boot up and test print. And voila! Problem solved. 

The last 2 minutes are spent on telling Mitch goodbye. He has a tough time saying goodbye, this Mitch. Separation anxiety? Maybe. But I think it’s really because Mitch has been asked by the globalists to sell me a package of technical support services that I don’t need.

“For only $14.99 a month, your subscription entitles you to have someone come out to your home and provide personal one on one technical support as only Deep State Internet knows how according to JD Power & Associates at their annual Globalist Customer Service Awards Banquet. Larry, this would certainly be recommended to have someone take a look at your printer next time this happens.”

Can you believe this bullshit? Mitch wants me to pay monthly to fix a problem that doesn’t exist when he just fixed my existing problem for free. What country is this hoss telnetting in from? 

When at long last Mitch does wind up the call, it’s a longer sentence than the hello: “Mr. Larry on behalf of all of us at DSC, it was a pleasure to serve your needs and that we certainly appreciate your business and you were a great partner with which to work and my name is Mitch, is there anything else I could help you with today?”

No.

“Well, Mr. Larry I certainly hope you enjoyed your experience with DSC. If you will, please take the time, and go to DSC.net/customerservicesurvey and take a quick 5 minute survey on how we handled your call here today so we can serve you better in the future.”

Again. Noooooooowuh! 

I swear to God in Heaven, hallowed be Thy Name, let me live long enough in your glorious Kingdom to see these scumbag Globalist pieces of shit who have hijacked our economy and our trust, get their just desserts in the coming storm of justice ushered in by President Donald Trump.

Amen.

And I thank you.