Feb 19, 2018
I’m not gonna be a douche and tell you how the Oscar nominated
film “3 Billboards Outside Ebbing, MO”
ends. I know many people want to see it.
The critics are raving about it. Which is always
RED FLAG #1
for me. I get waaay more enjoyment from movies below the 50% mark
on Rotten Tomatoes than I do from movies above it. That hasn’t
always been the case, but it is today. The cultural and social gap
between the Average All-American Larry, and the global film
critics, is vast.
What I am gonna do is tell you how “3
Billboards” DOESN’T END. This is a new innovation in
Spoilerism. Not a spoiler alert, really. More like a consumer
The story is that Frances McDormand is a single, divorced mom,
who’s broke and is a cunt to people because…well, she has her
#2 The hero of the movie is a miserable cunt and we
need to be sympathetic to her.
Frances McDormand lives in a typical small southern town where
her daughter was raped and murdered and the case is not getting
#3 It wasn’t enough for the writer to have the
daughter murdered, she had to be RAPED and murdered. My man hater
receptors were getting strong signal.
#4 The writer, some Eurobag, thinks that a typical
small southern town can be found in MISSOURI! Yet it was filmed in
#5 They must have a lot of rapes and murders in
this tiny, typical southern town of Ebbing, MISSOURI, because the
characters seem indifferent to solving this one. I’ve lived in
places in the south where years go by without a rape or murder, and
then one happens, and it’s a BIG deal.
The main reason Frances won’t lighten up is that, in addition
to the rape/murder of her daughter being unsolved, the cops in the
small southern town are white racists AND they will not solve the
mystery of her white daughter’s death because they are so busy
being racist. And not only that, Frances’ ex-husband drops in at
random times with his hot 22-year old girlfriend to beat up
Frances, OH! and Frances can’t get any dates except for the local
midget. And these are some of her reasons for being cunty, if not
all of them.
#6 You would think that a hot 22 year old would
take some of the starch out of the ex-husband. It worked for me.
But, no, this ex-husband of Frances is still as mad as a hornet.
How he stays out of jail is anyone’s guess.
#7 If the cops are so racist, why wouldn’t they
just clean up the whole mess by blaming some black guy? That’s what
I would do if I were a racist cop. Blame some drifter illegal at
the very least. But these racist cops don’t do that. Maybe
they’re not so racist? I’m confused. And furthermore, as a racist
cop, I probably did the raping and murdering in the first place,
because as the movie points out,
#8 racist cops live with their drunk moms in a
shithole and don’t get any pussy. The racist cop mom is played by
the lesbian grandma from Napolean Dynamite. I’ve known many racist
cops. They all have nice houses and super hot wives, and get a ton
of pussy. But what do I know? I’m not a smart Hollywood Eurobag,
just an Average All-American Larry who has lived in the south for
So Frances rents 3 long-abandoned billboards on the outskirts
of town to protest. The billboards call out the police chief
by name for not solving the rape/murder. The whole town is now on
edge. Tempers flare. Violence ensues. The police chief is
simultaneously dealing with cancer.
#9 The police chief has cancer and we should be
sympathetic to him, even though it’s possible that he’s a corrupt
racist cop? It was a real head scratcher for me.
#10 I assume the billboards were abandoned because
they were in a bad location? Didn’t get any results? Why then
did they cost a fortune to rent? Why is everyone in town and cable
news talking about them? Frances McDormand is some advertising
genius! So why is she broke and underemployed? Shouldn’t the Mad
Men be courting her? This movie was making less sense then Tommy
As I promised, I will not tell you how this mess ends, but
here’s how the 3 Billboards movie DID NOT end. Ready?
The murderer was not found.
After all that fuss, after all that angry name-calling and
violence, it turns out that the whole reason for the movie, the
search for the rapist/murderer of that poor innocent girl with
shitty parents is abandoned! Maybe it’ll be solved on Cold
Case. The whole thing was just a ruse to get suckers like Larry
WACHS to pay for another lecture on how racist and sexist white
Average All-American people like Larry WACHS are.
Such fuckery. It’s enough to make Jimmy Kimmel