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Feb 19, 2018

I’m not gonna be a douche and tell you how the Oscar nominated film “3 Billboards Outside Ebbing, MO” ends. I know many people want to see it.

The critics are raving about it. Which is always RED FLAG #1 for me. I get waaay more enjoyment from movies below the 50% mark on Rotten Tomatoes than I do from movies above it. That hasn’t always been the case, but it is today. The cultural and social gap between the Average All-American Larry, and the global film critics, is vast. 
What I am gonna do is tell you how “3 Billboards” DOESN’T END. This is a new innovation in Spoilerism. Not a spoiler alert, really. More like a consumer alert. 
The story is that Frances McDormand is a single, divorced mom, who’s broke and is a cunt to people because…well, she has her reasons. 
RED FLAG #2 The hero of the movie is a miserable cunt and we need to be sympathetic to her.
Frances McDormand lives in a typical small southern town where her daughter was raped and murdered and the case is not getting solved.
RED FLAG #3 It wasn’t enough for the writer to have the daughter murdered, she had to be RAPED and murdered. My man hater receptors were getting strong signal.
RED FLAG #4 The writer, some Eurobag, thinks that a typical small southern town can be found in MISSOURI! Yet it was filmed in North Carolina.
RED FLAG #5 They must have a lot of rapes and murders in this tiny, typical southern town of Ebbing, MISSOURI, because the characters seem indifferent to solving this one. I’ve lived in places in the south where years go by without a rape or murder, and then one happens, and it’s a BIG deal.
The main reason Frances won’t lighten up is that, in addition to the rape/murder of her daughter being unsolved, the cops in the small southern town are white racists AND they will not solve the mystery of her white daughter’s death because they are so busy being racist. And not only that, Frances’ ex-husband drops in at random times with his hot 22-year old girlfriend to beat up Frances, OH! and Frances can’t get any dates except for the local midget. And these are some of her reasons for being cunty, if not all of them.
RED FLAG #6 You would think that a hot 22 year old would take some of the starch out of the ex-husband. It worked for me. But, no, this ex-husband of Frances is still as mad as a hornet. How he stays out of jail is anyone’s guess. 
RED FLAG #7 If the cops are so racist, why wouldn’t they just clean up the whole mess by blaming some black guy? That’s what I would do if I were a racist cop. Blame some drifter illegal at the very least.  But these racist cops don’t do that. Maybe they’re not so racist? I’m confused. And furthermore, as a racist cop, I probably did the raping and murdering in the first place, because as the movie points out,
RED FLAG #8 racist cops live with their drunk moms in a shithole and don’t get any pussy. The racist cop mom is played by the lesbian grandma from Napolean Dynamite. I’ve known many racist cops. They all have nice houses and super hot wives, and get a ton of pussy. But what do I know? I’m not a smart Hollywood Eurobag, just an Average All-American Larry who has lived in the south for many years.
So Frances rents 3 long-abandoned billboards on the outskirts of town to protest.  The billboards call out the police chief by name for not solving the rape/murder. The whole town is now on edge. Tempers flare. Violence ensues. The police chief is simultaneously dealing with cancer.
RED FLAG #9 The police chief has cancer and we should be sympathetic to him, even though it’s possible that he’s a corrupt racist cop?  It was a real head scratcher for me. 
RED FLAG #10 I assume the billboards were abandoned because they were in a bad location? Didn’t get any results?  Why then did they cost a fortune to rent? Why is everyone in town and cable news talking about them? Frances McDormand is some advertising genius! So why is she broke and underemployed? Shouldn’t the Mad Men be courting her? This movie was making less sense then Tommy Wiseau.
As I promised, I will not tell you how this mess ends, but here’s how the 3 Billboards movie DID NOT end. Ready?
The murderer was not found.  
After all that fuss, after all that angry name-calling and violence, it turns out that the whole reason for the movie, the search for the rapist/murderer of that poor innocent girl with shitty parents is abandoned!  Maybe it’ll be solved on Cold Case. The whole thing was just a ruse to get suckers like Larry WACHS to pay for another lecture on how racist and sexist white Average All-American people like Larry WACHS are. 
Such fuckery.  It’s enough to make Jimmy Kimmel weep.